Quick Guide to Being a Corpse

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When you first become a corpse, it will be new to you, and you might get a lot of things wrong. And that could produce high levels of customer dis-satisfaction. So here are some tips that have generally been found to work... although it is important to remember that everyone is a corpse in their own way! There is no "one-casket-fits-all" approach!

  1. When you're a corpse, your main job is to just lay there. So don't up and walk around... please!
  2. When you're a corpse, you can't see. So don't look at things: you won't see them anyway.
  3. When you're a corpse, you won't have feelings. So no laughing or crying!
  4. When you're a corpse, you won't have mental health problems. Cause you won't have a mind. So don't start acting all crazy and shit.
  5. When you're a corpse, don't try doing drugs. It won't turn out well.
  6. If you're unhappy with how you're being embalmed, don't get all "up in the embalmers face." Blame is not the way to go! We need to cultivate a blameless culture, especially in death.
  7. When you're a corpse, you'll have lots of time on your hands. So put away your laundry one item at a time! (But no walking around!)
  8. Don't worry about a Halloween costume. You already have one: you're a corpse!
  9. Remember the upsides of being a corpse: if your wife asks you, "Did you fix the toilet yet?" you can tell her, "No, because I'm a corpse!"
  10. When you're a corpse, don't be scared of giraffes! They won't hurt you!
  11. When you're a corpse, you might be tempted to buy a gigantic jar of coriander powder. Go for it! You're only dead once!


All of these tips should help. But to re-focus on the basics, the main corpse methodology is: just lay there. That's your "value-added"!

PS: Reader and neophyte corpse Tom writes in to ask, "Is it acceptable if my gigantic jar of coriander is whole seeds and not ground?"

Absolutely, Tom!

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