Thinking of holding your next conference at the UN?

May I recommend a high-security federal prison instead? You'll feel much more free to move around, and there will be far fewer grumpy security guards.

I gave my talk in the morning, thankfully because I finally gave up on the conference when I saw our lunch arrangement: it involved standing in the sun in 95° weather for 10 minutes to pass through another security checkpoint -- you never know, someone might've magically appeared inside without having gone through the previous security checkpoints! -- and then being trapped in a special lunch-eating area, consisting of tables all also placed in direct sunlight.

As a person of paleness, I believe that this is blatant discrimination: the UN obviously was trying to give me a case of skin cancer by the time I finished eating!

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