why me?

For the last couple of weeks here in ole Miami Beach, the weird cycle has been on super high. Sometimes I wonder if I am just a magnet for weirdoes, freaks and oddballs but some of it hasn't even involved me personally. However, a couple of them have been really irritating.

The first incident that alerted me to something freaky being up is the tagger incident. About ten days ago, right after dinner, I hear this spraying sound just outside my kitchen window. I honestly thought it was the weird black guy who occasionally used to sit on my stoop changing his underwear and spraying it with cheap perfume. Ghastly smell. Figuring it was time to put an end to it, I walked over to find nobody there but the sound continued. Then, I imagined it was someone urinating under my air conditioner again. Nope. It was a graffiti "artist" spraypainting his tag on the side of my white van. We looked at each other for a moment. He ran. I ran. He slowed down around the first corner but heard me approaching behind him and took off again. When I realized there was no way to catch him, I just started yelling whatever obscenities my distraught little mind could lob at him and this encouragement: "Come back and fight like a man!!!" The twit probably has at least seventy-five pounds and a few inches on me but I was so obviously furious and bloodthirsty he had no choice but to run away. He was no plain juvie delinquent either. I'd say about 24. Hispanic and very stupid as you'll see why.

About a week later, I'm in my alley in broad daylight and I see him. It's definitely him. Same lardy physique, same blue baseball cap, tee shirt and dark jeans. His back is to me but then he turns his face to the right and it's the same face. I'm positive it's him. Guess what he's doing now? He's pulling a PC out of the trunk of a bright, white Cadillac! He's carrying it into a building just one building over from mine. He's with a middle-aged bald gringo. What on earth is going on? Since I'm not sure what to do, I watch him drive off but at least I know where to find his buddy should there be another incident.

Since then, it's been common crazy dancing bums digging through trash, a guy passed out on the stoop that cannot be budged, the neighbor yelling obscenities at an invisible victim and what appear to be drug deals. Not THAT unusual but the quantity is annoying. Till today. Today, some creep decided that it would be amusing to follow me home from the bakery. I wasn't looking my best either but something in the jaunty way I held that loaf of french bread said "bother me." I noticed right away since he followed me while I jaywalked in the middle of the block. I paused to look at some construction, so did he. I turned and went in the opposite direction, so did he. I turned the corner, so did he. I did another 180 and walked into the police courtyard. He didn't follow me there. I figured he was going to come around the block to cut me off at the next street so I waited behind a column. Bingo. Within five minutes he was there searching for his prey. When he passed I took the long way home. There was no confronting this guy. He looked like the kind of nutball 50+ Hispanic guy who gets off even if there's a female holding a knife and threatening castration. Any reaction is good to those types. Engaging the cops would've meant wasting more time so there wasn't much I could do except lose him.

That's your beach report for this week surfers and dolls. I hope this season passes real soon.


  1. Anonymous3:50 AM

    The article is so wonderful that I want to write something about myself.
    Yesterday, my boyfriend gave me a lot of runescape gold as the gift. But I will buy runescape or rs gold to return him because I do not like that someone gives me something free. Although the runescape money is attractive for me, I will insist on returning the cheap rs gold to him.


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