Memo: To New Editorial Staff

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From: John Shrillshirk, Editor, USA Yesterday

It has come to my attention that, since we hired all of you last week, you have, on occasion, and contrary to USA Yesterday policy, been writing editorials that contain nuggets of substance.

This must stop immediately. Let me review the standard USA Yesterday editorial format, that must be followed in all editorials. Here is one of our templates -- the rest can be found on the employee web site -- your job is simply and only to fill in the variables:

The crisis arising from [SITUATION X] is a time for all members of [INSTITUTION Y] to set aside their squabbling and act boldly, in unison. They must sit down, consider the best ideas coming from each side of the table, and adopt the best features of all of them in a way that sets our nation on the right course. If they cannot do so, then a pox on both [SIDES OF Y]! Right now, what are our so-called leaders doing? Pointing their fingers at the other side! They just don't get it.

If the members of [Y] cannot work together for the common good, then it just may be time to throw the rascals out. The people's voice must be heard. And before we risk [Z, e.g., American lives, our financial future, the safety of our children, a new outbreak of swine flu, etc.] on [SITUATION X] again, politicians should make sure they have the nation's support united behind them and that the goal is truly vital to the nation's interest.

Comments

  1. PH12:23 AM

    This shows what a dork I am, but the moment I saw this I was reminded of A Receipt for an Antifederalist Essay:

    "WELL-BORN, nine times—Aristocracy, eighteen times—Liberty of the Press, thirteen times repeated—Liberty of Conscience, once—Negroe slavery, once mentioned—Trial by jury, seven times—Great Men, six times repeated—Mr. WILSON, forty times—and lastly, GEORGE MASON's Right Hand in a Cutting box, nineteen times—put them altogether, and dish them up at pleasure. These words will bear boiling, roasting, or frying—and, what is remarkable of them, they will bear being served, after being once used, a dozen times to the same table and palate."

    ReplyDelete
  2. gcallah12:45 AM

    "This shows what a dork I am..."

    I think reading this blog was already evidence enough.

    ReplyDelete

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