Reply to Schweiger

Matt Schweiger's intriguing post--"A Realistic Assessment of How Many 12-Year-Olds I Could Beat Up Before They Overtook Me"--is a valuable contribution to an emerging new discipline. However, I think his conclusion--namely, seven 12-year-olds--is grossly pessimistic.

Now to do a rigorous analysis, we would need to clarify our assumptions. E.g., exactly why is a group of 12-year-olds fighting me? Are they being paid? Have their parents been kidnapped and are being held hostage? Are the 12-year-olds amped up on Sunny Delight? These details matter.

Putting all of that aside, however, I think Schweiger is focusing on tactics to the detriment of strategy (or something like that) when he writes:

If it were an individual, king-of-the-mountain battle royale, I could endlessly pummel 12-year-olds without mercy. But we're assuming at least a sixth-grade education in a marginal public school as well as some exposure to kung-fu movies, so these kids would form a circle.

However, using my quick wits, I would charge one portion of the circle, landing a devastating blow on the unlucky individual, which would make the others proceed with hesitancy. One on one, I feel like I could deliver a lot of punishment to a 12-year-old. There would be one or two brave ones who would jump on my back, distracting me and thus enabling the others to attack. At best, I could fight off the two heroes on my back and maybe take out four on the ground before I was felled by fatigue and numerous kicks to my groin and shins. This would equal a grand total of seven.

My question: Why in the world would you remain inside the circle? It would make much more sense to run at the weakest pair of kids and blast through, giving at least one crushing blow in the process. Then the older protagonist could continue to swoop back for quick strikes on the weakest remaining 12-year-old standing. Of course, eventually fatigue would set in, but I am quite confident that a solid adult male in good shape could dispatch at least one dozen 12-year-olds in this fashion, and perhaps many more depending on his fitness and arm span.

(HT2 my wife for the link. It goes without saying that she has not approved this post.)


  1. Anonymous7:53 PM

    Stick and move, stick and move!

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