Vista Is Giving Me the Productivity of Gene Callahan

This is serious, kids. For the last three days, whether I actually turn off my computer, or just flip it shut so it hibernates (or whatever the biological analogy is), when I bring it back on, it goes through "updates" that literally take at least 10 minutes. I can't crash the system or anything to avoid this.

What the heck? Is this normal? Is there something I can uninstall? This just started happening. I think I updated Adobe last week; could that be it?

I can't believe I was a sucker and started downloading the automatic updates on this relatively new laptop (a Toshiba, if it matters). On my old computer I learned that you always say "NO!!!!!" to recommended updates because they just screw up your computer.

I stand open to correction, but I hate my computer right now.


  1. Andy Stedman11:57 AM

    I recommend ugrading from Vista to XP.

  2. McGanahan Skejellyfish2:38 PM

    I recommend you do the Callahan-to-Murphy upgrade.

  3. Anonymous9:49 AM

    I fell for Dell's "let us help you better" customer service upgrade doohickey last month. It added 20-30 seconds to boot time. I have since uninstalled it (luckily it was listed in "Add/Remove Programs") and have happily returned to pressing "Maybe Later" once per day.

    If I were you I would do a System Restore to the last smooth-running date. If System Restore refuses to Restore then you will know you have a nasty type of virus, (which if you're not in pop-up hell, is very unlikely) and thus your computer will be back in shape.

    I only auto-update Windows and AVG.

    You seem to KNOW it's your Adobe program :) System Restore is our friend! It will roll back Adobe's status.

    BTW, AVG is superior to Norton/MacAfee system hogs and "catches" better. I don't care what PC Mag says. Uninstalled Norton, installed (free) AVG: 2 viruses detected and successfully quarantined! (Obviously, small, weak ones. (No symptoms) But, still! WTF Norton, you POS!

    And CCleaner. You need that. Handy "issues" tool.

  4. I've got XP, which is probably an order of magnitude less godawful than Vista, but I still hate Bill Gates like the devil.

    Don't get me started on updates. Just about every friggin' time I turn on my computer, the little balloon pops up with "Updates are ready to download." After enough of them pile up, I get tired of looking at that little yellow shield and check off the ones that look like they might be unsafe to refuse (see NOTE). It takes forever to download. And when it's done, another little balloon keeps popping up: "Are you ready to install now? How about now? Now? Still not ready? How 'bout now? Huh? Huh? Huh?" When I finally give up and click on "install," THAT takes forever. And when it's done, the balloons start again: "Ready to restart your computer now? How about now? How about now? Huh? Huh? Huh?" Finally I give up and let the computer restart, carefully saving all the drafts that are being interrupted and praying that Firefox will save all my open tabs.

    And you know what happens the next day when I turn on my computer? That's right: that little yellow shield and the balloon are back: "Updates are ready to download."

    God damn Bill Gates.

    You might wonder why I don't move to Linux. Well, I've tried live CDs from several distros. And guess what? My HP computer is rigged, in cahoots with Microsoft, to reject any non-Windows OS. So I'm stuck until I'm willing to shell out for a new computer and go through the hassle of migrating all my files.

    NOTE--I strongly advise against auto-updating ANYTHING from Microsoft. Looking through the "update" offerings in the little yellow shield, I kept finding Genuine Advantage hidden in with all the rest of them. I kept refusing it, only to find it snuck back with every new batch of updates. If you ever let those bastards sneak Genuine Advantage onto your computer, the Copyright Nazis will own your machine.

  5. UPDATE: Every once in a while, a box pops up saying something like, "Some programs want to auto-update but we are blocking this. Click here to see which ones."

    If I just keep X-ing out that box every half hour or so (when it pops up), then I don't have the 10-minute update wait when I turn on my computer next time.

    So it's a tradeoff. Little bursts of inconvenience throughout the day, versus one long burst every time at startup.

  6. Oh and lest you all roll your eyes and so, "Well duh!!", of course I never AGREED to any of the updates. But if I just click once on the little icon that is the source of the "we are trying to update but don't have permission from Defender..." box, then nothing else happens. The box disappears, and doesn't reappear. But then the next time I start my computer, I have the 10 minute wait to configure the updates that I apparently agreed to with my single click.

  7. I understand you guys that get frustrated when you turn on the computer and can't use it till all these little doodads finish doing their thing.
    I have the AVG virus program which updates on boot up as well as the Windows XP update shield etc etc.
    I've found a simple solution, when I turn on the computer I walk away and come back ten minutes later. There is usually some pop up saying this or that is finished, I click it and hooray the computer is ready and able. Patience is a virtue.

  8. My favorite Microsoft message is "Please wait while Outlook exits." Wait before doing what, exactly? Can I not touch the keyboard at all? Can I go to the bathroom? Can I make life plans?

    Just put everything on hold, seems to be the message's import.

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