Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Some questions

1) Is there a new language called "Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround Sound"? Because I try to listen to movies in French these days (to help me learn it), so I'm always looking on the "Languages" section on the back of the video boxes at the store, and today, in the section, I found a video that claimed the dialogue was in the language, "Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround Sound." Does anyone know where this is spoken?

2) Are these the worst lyrics ever written?
"Some beach
There's a big umbrella casting shade over an empty chair
Palm trees are growin' and a warm breezes a blowing
I picture myself right there
On some beach, somewhere"

I just picture the guy, sitting around, trying to come up with the particular beach that would capture what he wanted, and finally going, "Screw it-- some beach, somewhere -- those dopey country fans will still eat it up."

3) Why didn't our parents (for those roughly my age) realize there was something wrong when the "cranberry sauce" they would feed us at Thanksgiving was not a sauce at all, but a big blob of red goo? Folks, make your own cranberry sauce! It takes about 15 minutes, and is as different from the stuff in the can as pate is from a pile of dog crap. (Also, make you own salad dressing. There is not a single bottled dressing that you could not improve upon with about five minutes of work. To start: mix a good olive oil and a balsamic vinager at about a four-to-one ratio in a jar. Add salt, black pepper, garlic paste, oregano, and thyme. Shake well. (That's about two minutes of work there!) Now compare the taste of what you've just made to the "Italian dressing" you can buy at the store. You will never buy it again.


  1. "Christmas comes this time each year"

    That line, in Little Saint Nick by the Beach Boys, deserves special honor. If not the worst lyric, the most asinine.

  2. 1. I know that some of my computer disc drives speak DTS 5.1, which means they can read DVD audio discs. Dolby is, I think, a related language. Most of my music players do not speak DTS 5.1, so when I’m forced to buy DVD audio discs I have to rip them and re-encode them to two-channel in order to play them on an ordinary CD player, which is a big PITA. (I say forced, because I buy every Frank Zappa release, and the Zappa Family Trust has done two releases in this format.) “Surround Sound” or other multi-channel variants has been around a long time, and it looks like the market just doesn’t care.

    2. As you know I love to keep on topic, so onto idiotic song lyrics.

    Fountain of Love, Frank Zappa, from the neo doo-wop album “Crusing with Ruben and the Jets”

    It was September, the leaves were gold
    That's when our hearts knew that story untold
    We were young lovers, strolling near
    The fountain of love, founttain of love
    Do you remember, I held you so near
    Our love's glowing ember so precious and dear
    We were young lovers, strolling near
    The fountain of love, the fountain of love
    Fountain of love, fountain of love
    We made a wish and threw in a coin
    And since that day our hearts have been joined
    So all you young lovers, wherever you are
    The fountain of love is not very far

    Here’s Frank on these very words: “Give me a fucking break! Is this song about a douche bag, or what? Some people take that kind of lyric seriously!” It was Zappa’s intention to write insipid lyrics for Ruben and the Jets, to capture the 1950’s mentality. It’s an amazing and overlooked record.

    3. My family put a lot of crap on the table for Thanksgiving. I could never understand their desire to consume turnips. When I smell turnips, I’m reminded of sleeping late on Thanksgiving morning, and this putrid odor wafting up to my room. I liked to remind the family each Thanksgiving that turnips were one reason our family left Europe for America.

  3. "A garden is a lovesome thing, God wot."

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