China: Fixing Your Public Image Is Easy

A lot of people, especially in the West, don't like you, because you are an undemocratic nation. This is easy to handle. Here is what to do:

Divide the Chinese Communist Party in two. You can do this by lot, if you wish. Call one half, say, the Rommunists, and the other half the Dommunists. Now, each side must begin to violently denounce the other side in the press, in speeches, in forums like the UN: in short, whenever addressing any public. Announce that elections will be held in a year or so, and then rig the process so that only candidates nominated by the Rommunists or the Dommunists can possibly win. Either the Ds or the Rs will capture control of the government. But tell the losers not to worry: they will get nice, cozy positions in government-connected industries, where they will bide their time until, in the next election or the one after, they will be back in office. And meanwhile, the winning party should announce the golden age has dawned upon the earth, while the losing party proclaim that the apocalypse is nigh. Heck, for laughs, you can even have the losing party declare that the leader of the winning party is not even really Chinese, and is out to destroy China.

The amazing thing about this plan is that you can continue to follow almost every single policy you are following today, and suddenly, many, many more people in the West will like you. Simply by alternating which half of the Communist Party implements those policies over a period of time, you will have become democratic. And over here, we know 'democratic' is synonymous with 'good.'


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